Alcatraz: A Prison So Bad Even the Guards Wanted to Escape

 

The Basics: A Giant Rock with Terrible Views

Alcatraz. It sounds mysterious, dramatic, and a little bit exotic—until you remember it’s literally just a massive rock in the middle of San Francisco Bay. People call it “The Rock,” which makes it sound cool, but in reality, it’s just a prison with a nice view. And the view was probably the most painful part for the inmates. Imagine being stuck in a tiny cell, staring out at the Golden Gate Bridge, knowing that just a few miles away, people were eating fancy seafood and enjoying life while you were trying to avoid getting shanked.

Originally, the island was used as a military fort, then a military prison, and finally, from 1934 to 1963, it became the most infamous federal prison in America. If you ended up here, it meant you were too much trouble for regular prisons—so, naturally, they stuck all the worst criminals together on one island. What could possibly go wrong?

The Inmates: America’s Worst Housemates

Alcatraz was home to some of the most notorious criminals in American history, including Al Capone, George “Machine Gun” Kelly, and Robert Stroud, the so-called "Birdman of Alcatraz" (who, fun fact, wasn’t actually allowed to keep birds while he was there). These were not the kind of people you wanted to share a bunk bed with.

Life inside was rough. The cells were tiny, the food was questionable, and the guards weren’t exactly known for their friendly customer service. Prisoners got one visitor a month, and even then, they weren’t allowed to talk. That’s right—silent visiting hours. Which, honestly, might have been a relief, considering the kind of people locked up here.

Escape Attempts: Swimming Lessons Gone Wrong

Alcatraz was famous for being “inescapable,” but that didn’t stop prisoners from trying. The freezing waters of San Francisco Bay, strong currents, and hungry sharks (okay, not really, but the guards liked to spread that rumour) made escaping nearly impossible. Nearly.

The most famous escape attempt was in 1962, when three inmates—Frank Morris and brothers John and Clarence Anglin—pulled off a plan straight out of a Hollywood movie. They dug through the walls using stolen spoons, made fake heads out of papier-mâché to fool the guards, and climbed through the ventilation shafts. Once outside, they built a raft out of raincoats and disappeared into the bay.

Did they make it? No one knows. Some say they drowned. Others believe they escaped and lived under fake identities. Either way, they’re probably not writing postcards about it.

Closing Time: When Even the Government Gave Up

By 1963, Alcatraz was falling apart. Running a high-security prison on an island was expensive, and let’s be honest, no one wanted to keep repairing a building full of violent criminals. So the government shut it down, moved the inmates elsewhere, and left the island to the seagulls.

In the 1970s, a group of Native American activists occupied Alcatraz for 19 months in protest, claiming the land as their own. The government eventually kicked them out, but the protest helped bring attention to Indigenous rights, which, let's face it, was long overdue.

Alcatraz Today: A Prison That Charges You to Visit

These days, Alcatraz is one of San Francisco’s top tourist attractions. Which is ironic, considering people once desperately tried to escape it, and now people pay to get in. You can take a boat tour, wander through the cells, and listen to stories about how horrible it was to live there—all while sipping on an overpriced coffee from the gift shop.

So, was Alcatraz the most secure prison in history? Not really. Was it the worst place to be locked up? Probably. And now, instead of criminals, it’s filled with tourists trying to take dramatic selfies behind bars. Which just proves that history really does have a sense of humour.